Phantom Smells, Snot Rockets and Your Garden Variety Loogies: The Ugly Underbelly of the Runner’s World

This one’s for you Jo Ruby!

There is a (mostly) unspoken ugly underbelly I have uncovered in the world of running. This discovery was one I first came across in (you guessed it)…the running class at the Y. Until then, I had no revelations or even preconceived ideas about the general hygiene of runners on the road. I presumed runners; with their gazelle like strides, confident solo agendas of personal achievement and their perfectly coordinated colorful outfits were the enlightened ones of the sporting world. Think about it…only relying on their bodies and mental stamina to reach their goals…with each new accomplishment serving as some kind of vision quest toward the path of fulfillment...it’s like they are the Tibetan monks of sports. I mean really…you talk to a runner and they act as if they will actually shrivel up if they don’t get their run in to clear their head. Why so cloudy?  Well, that’s another topic.

Anyway, back to my point…I had always looked at them like they must know something I don’t know because I just didn’t get it. I didn’t get the NEED to run (without being chased). They were, in fact, the most Zen of the athletic world (well…not if you count Yoga as a sport…but you get it). All of this was how I saw it until one day at running class when Jo, the running coach, pulled out a book of “Runner’s Rules” and gave us the ins and outs of the proper technique required in performing a “farmer blow” or “snot rocket,” the etiquette of the toot (which we had actually covered before in a previous class) and the ever important ability to avoid getting hit by a stray loogie (if you don’t know what that is, I’m sorry, I’m not explaining it to you). What’s this? Runners are….gross?!? Shock. Really? Well, it was good comic relief but I’m sure most runners are not that gross I tell myself and we go about the business of running like mad for a good hour session.

THEN…

I go on a run….outside with other zenlike running types.

I start my run feeling great. I have drank water 45 minutes ago to hydrate. I have eaten one egg white…scrambled to perfection and one half of a luna bar over an hour ago. Well done! I have gone to the bathroom – twice…nice. I have dressed for the brisk Montana spring weather...in, I must say, a perfectly coordinated colorful outfit. I am prepared. Bring on the Zen.

It was around mile 3 I believe…it’s painful to recall. I was just coming from the aid station and feeling refreshed from my drink. On my way…through the trees of the park…winding and pounding the dirt trail…enjoying the fresh air and thinking about my final 2 miles ahead. Then, out of nowhere, it happened like a flash. I’m hit! I’m hit! Was that a rain drop? A fresh dew drop from the trees above? Not a bug? What the…oh my god. No…not me. Not on my zenlike run. Not… no…ewwwwwwwwww!

But it was. IT happened to me. And if you are a runner…it can happen to you too. Being the victim of someone’s careless disregard to the very important and yes…I may say…sacred instructions of how to properly perform the farmer blow (or for that matter…how to let a loogie fly or releasing a stinky toot) while running with others is something I may not ever fully recover from. I am speaking out today so that you may guard yourself against this probability in your future and to punctuate the importance of arming yourself with the knowledge of how to fully embrace being gross in proper form (because I’d be willing to bet none of us can say the need never arises) so that others will not suffer the same fate that I fell victim to. Please…do it for the sanctity of the image of zenlike runners everywhere and if not for that…then for god’s sake man…do it for the person behind you.