Fundraising site is UP!

If you'd like to support this effort...please visit my firstgiving page that is now up and ready to go...it's the easiest way to give.  Youth Homes has a extremely low administration cost so you know your dollars will be used for the kids you have chosen to support with your donation.  Of course the site is secure BUT if you would rather send a check...please mail to PO Box 7616 Missoula, MT 59807 with the check made out to Youth Homes Inc. and Run 4 Kids Team - Kim Anderson in the memo.  Thanks for considering a gift!
http://www.firstgiving.com/kimandersonrelucantrunner

A New World (by the numbers)

Much better run today. Back up to a half an hour...at a snails pace BUT I'm moving forward. Now onto a even more daunting task than running...figuring out how to eat right to "fuel" (that's an official runner term) the runs.

So 50/25/25 right? If you want 1 less a week then cut your daily count by 500. Be sure to fall between 118 and 155 to see the maximum result of your effort and also remember to do at least 30 a day to get to where you need to go. Remember one ounce is plenty of that and too much of saturated stuff is horrible. Poly is good but mono is better. Lean lean fighting machine when thinking of protein but make sure not to forget 50% of your intake of your daily allowance should be those COMPLEX carbs with most of those eaten around the time of your run. Oh and by the way, running at a 4 for 30 means that you can maybe accomplish 2. Get in 5 to 6 a day of those and avoid 1 before your morning run. Remember to rest.  Guess I’ll do that in between trying to figure out my proper BMI.

Okay then, sounds simple enough.  You followed it...right?

I was thinking about all the new things that go along with any new world you enter; the uniform (in this case overpriced and undersized stretchy garmets), the people, the customs, the food and, of course, the language.  I've been a little preoccupied with a nervous tendency to try to know everything I can about my new world all at once.  Burns a person out.  My salvation is that my new world is one that will help me improve my life, it will give me a chance at a healthier way to be...something good I can enjoy during the process.  As long as I remember that that's the goal...not to look fabulous nearing mid-life while avoiding pain or worse...dreaded embarassment. 

So then the next step in my new found rebirth is to remember how I got here in the first place...my girl Hannah.  What's it like for a kid starting life in a new group home?   Hannah has been in new placements before...quite a lot of them.  But for each one, she enters a new world all over again.  She must learn the customs, the new dynamics, the rules of the land and so on.  Over and over again she has had to do this.  At the Girls Home I know the staff are excellent at their jobs.  They recognize this process that each kid must go through to be able to start on their own road to health.  She is in the right hands.  But she needs to put in her share of the work all while adjusting to her new world. 

I have a pain in my right leg today...its sore from my spastic attempt to run SUPER FAST yesterday. I'm pretty thankful that's all I have to complain about.  Hannah's dealing with a whole lot more at the ripe ole age of 14.

Out in the Cold

Today's attempt was the stuff of Tonya Harding's broken shoelace.  Totally pathetic.  I'm having trouble figuring out what days to run and when to rest. I ran yesterday and am planning on it tomorrow so I kinda half attempted today...with that kind of mindset.  Needless to say it didn't go so hot.  I started on the treadmill in shorts in the comfort of my basement with the full support of my husband taking on the kid duty.  He said, "just walk a bit, maybe run fast for a short time but then stop...get your muscles doing something different."  Sounds good...just a 20 minute stretch then. So down I go...I start with a 5 minute walk, then I turn the machine up and start to run fast (amatuer move)...then I want to stop almost immediately.  I get off and make my way back up the stairs.  My husband meets me with a questioning look..."what happend?"  I answer a bit over dramatically, "I failed."  "Well, just go walk a bit more, he says encouragingly, "you havent failed, you ran yesterday."  I turn to go up to the bedroom and find myself instead walking out the front door (in shorts still and its about 20 degrees at 8:30 am) and running down my driveway...and then down the street....just to the stop sign...now, just keep going until the next one...and I find myself back at the house, out of breath, cold and kinda annoyed.  It was my first attempt outside and I ran only a good 6 or 7 minutes around the circle of my neighborhood...maybe half a mile.  What the hell?  I know I can keep moving for atleast 30 minutes but this morning I couldn't hack it.  BUT...I did keep trying so that one step at a time thing really is starting to make some sense.  I'll see you tomorrow treadmill. 
And as for you...my outdoor pavement foe...I'll see you in the afternoon (in pants).

Just a reminder...training with Anders from Runners Edge and Run Wild Missoula starts March 7th!

Shawn Gray of the Youth Homes writes this about Hannah this week:
The past week has been difficult for Hannah. She has experienced a lot of change in her life, so it is not surprising that she is sensitive to it. One of Hannah’s peers graduated from Talbot last Wednesday, and Hannah took it hard, even though the two only lived together for about a month. It was hard to tell if she was genuinely upset about her peer leaving, or if she had a rush of old feelings. From what Hannah has said, she is used to loss and disappointment. She just recently lost her last foster mother, and continues to talk about it almost daily. During the week, Hannah seemed to be trying to mask her past feelings through focusing her sadness on her peer’s graduation. Hannah has perfected being victimized, so it is also hard to separate true emotion and attention seeking. She tends to exaggerate stories in order to get a reaction, or attention from staff. We are also beginning to notice that she uses different versions of her stories depending on who she is talking to, and what environment she is in. Regardless of the root of her feelings, they cannot be ignored. This may be Hannah’s first step towards asking for help and looking to share her life experience. Although her week may not sound positive, you have to look for the small steps forward in treatment. To us, Hannah’s choice to seek out time with staff to talk about her feelings IS exactly that step forward.

Learning to Crawl...like a good little baby

Have you ever really watched a baby just starting to learn to crawl? They get pissed A LOT of the time. And the people that love them LET them get pissed and have patience remembering the little cherub is just learning. Even when they don’t believe they can do it…the people around them just coo at them and give them a little nudge. This is me. I am the pissed baby.

My friend Lisa asked me to join a running class at the Y. “Just consider it Kim…it would be good to run with other people, they start you at your level…it’s no pressure…it’s fun” she said. I responded, “yeah…sounds good…I’ll defiantly probably do it…probably…yes.” In my mind, I sigh and remind myself to take a breath. It is a great idea. Running with others…yes, I will have to do this eventually. I can’t help but to think of Forrest Gump just running because he felt like it and then remember when all those people started to run with him? Was it the same? Did he feel the pressure of those feet all around him pounding in rhythm…pushing him to keep moving. Did he even think about it? Of course not, it was a character in a damn movie. I guess my question is will I be able to run with others and not feel…lost.

Not lost like I’m having problems with being insignificant…lost like, “What the hell am I doing here?” I still move slower than a 75 year old speed walker (seriously, the one time I tried a 5 K an old lady passed me speed walking…yeah, I know). That being said, I can hear my friends already reminding me that I’ve only really just begun and anything worth doing takes some time…some commitment… but will I ever feel like I fit with this new pursuit? Afterall, I’m not just running ever once in awhile. I’m running 4 or 5 days a week and doing yoga the other 2 and then keeping up with the 3 kids, ignoring my art and…blah blah blah (I realize my pain is only special to me…thank you Amy…you’re completely right and it’s good to remember). My point is not to point to what I’m doing but to realize I’m in the middle of a big lifestyle change and it’s kinda daunting. I’m even eating differently (people that know me well know that is HUGE)…who am I? I guess the scariest question yet is…will I keep it up? Can I count on myself to actually lay a good foundation with my effort so that it will become habit instead of a whim? Will this be a starting point for the rest of my life or just the rest of this particular six month stretch until the big day? And for as much of an introvert as I am…I sure picked a public way of finding this out. Damn accountability…no, I mean thank God for accountability.

I’m pretty sure the kids at the Youth Homes don’t get to just stop working on things when they move beyond the Youth Homes doors. Here’s to Hannah and her work on getting a good foundation at the Girl’s Home.

surprised myself a bit

40 minutes...holy crap
Guess I just wanted to make sure pigs wouldn't actually start flying threw the air. 

Role Models

Today at minute 12, I really wanted to quit.  I hadn't even really gotten going and I was starting the rationale in my head. Somedays just aren't for running.  But then I started thinking about the Pengelly Double Dip.  Its a run that the staff at YHI and I used to organized with the help of some really great people (Kevin Twidwell, Matt and Lisa Hayhurst, Phil Gardner, Kori Johnson, some members of the Pengelly family to mention just a few) anyway, its course happens to go over "two dips" on Mount Sentinel.  Its about the length of a half marathon but just adds in the extra enjoyment of running up and down mountains.  Needless to say I never ran the thing myself but it was a great event to put on for the Youth Homes.  One year a woman with one leg ran it.  Yes...the whole course.  We were worried about her because it was a rainy muddy day.  So we sent Kevin to sweep the course and make sure she was alright.  When he found her she was about a mile from the finish and refusing to stop or get any assistant.  She was fine.  In fact, she was amazing.  One leg and one prosthetic.  We all waited at the finish for her.  She came in last.  She came in smiling. 

I thought of her at minute 13.  I said to myself, "Kim feel your two strong healthy legs...AND MOVE IT." 

Ran 28 minutes.

Comparisons

27 minutes AFTER a car ride (with three children) home from Billings today...I KNOW!...and yeah its cuz I'm from planet Awesome! 

I think everyone I know has run a half marathon. No really, I’m completely serious… from the time I started this endeavor five of my friends on Facebook have either run a half or full marathon. AND the bitch of it is they just mentioned it in a status update like no big thing. Something like…

Susie McRunsalot is on her way to her second half marathon this year…hoping to be done in under two hours!

Or

Joe Neverranincollege just finished a marathon in sunny San Diego for a personal best!

While I am extremely happy for these friends and inspired by them too, I am feeling a bit ridiculous with my 25 minute runs. Yes, I admit I’ve fallen into a sea of self-judgment and silly comparisons. Seems like Missoula, Montana is a running “Mecca” and I didn’t even notice before. But once I started thinking about it I spent at least a good twenty five solid minutes (note this is about the timeframe I can currently run) listing names off to my husband of people that have completed this feat. “Well, there’s my friend from high school that is trying to get into the NYC marathon, there’s Chad that never seemed to do anything in college but be sarcastic and drink beer, of course…my old boss, my best friend who runs on the treadmill at 7.2 speed…that’s damn fast…the other day I turned the machine up that fast just to see how fast that was and I thought it was going to start a fire but I digress, there’s that elderly woman down the block, oh and all of my bridesmaids, and our friends in Hamilton that don’t have kids yet and run together in couple bliss, then ALL the women I know at the Y and what about my cousin the ultra runner and of course Kevin the ultra runner…those guys are nuts by the way, oh and my BIG sister…she shouldn’t do anything I can’t do.” MAN.
Needless to say…it seems to me that I have got to stop looking around at what all these other people are doing and just be proud of my own effort…proud of each minute I still fight for on that treadmill in my basement. It’s easier said than done. It’s difficult to accept the things you need to work on and not get indignant some of the time. It’s not easy to avoid the pitfalls of throwing your hands up and the air and saying, "screw it…not for me…who needs it…and so on.” I was struck by this after I read the update on Hannah this week. She’s in a bit of a fog herself right now. She’s going to need to make a decision to accept some things and keep fighting for every minute too.
Her primary Jessica writes:

This past week, Hannah seems to be taking a big step backwards…She is becoming passive aggressive when it comes to rules and expectations. She has yet to complete our assignment sheet, and has started making many excuses on why. She even went so far to be passive aggressive while denying being passive aggressive over this daily struggle. She is choosing to reject staff’s feedback, and is even becoming rude at times. Hannah has said that she is a pessimist during group therapy, and seems to want to be stuck in her ways and is unwilling to change her behaviors.


On the flip side, Hannah also seems to be very needy of staff’s attention. She seems to want to spend time with them, but is unsure how to pursue it. She tends to be a bit awkward and will stand in the same room quietly until she is acknowledged. Or, she will become loud and immature to be the center of attention. Hannah seems to want us to be entertaining her, but when we offer suggestions she is quick to dismiss them.

So once again I humbled by my task in comparison to what's in store for Hannah and am thinking of her everyday...hoping she can find her way.

Grateful for Mom

My mom was just here for a visit. She can fold a fitted sheet better than anyone I know. In fact, I’d bet she could kick Martha Stewart’s butt in an official fitted sheet folding contest. She doesn’t simple roll it up into some kind of ball type thing and throw it into the closet…no…she folds the sheet with 90 degree corners and straight lines and no evidence of a wrinkle. And she does it with ease. Now, she has tried to teach me the art of folding a fitted sheet over the years with the first lesson at the age of 12. But still at 37, I have not come even close to mastering the technique. My mom is amazing. She can do these things that I cannot and I imagine I won't ever be able to do.

The thing I’ve learned about me and my mom that 's probably not so unique is that I idolize some of the things she does yet no one on earth seems to be able to find my buttons faster.  "No mom...really, you don't need to reorganize the pots and pans cabinet.  Ahh...do you think we could save the chocolate cookies for the kids until after lunch?   Its Asian...not Oriental.  Mom... you're mumbling again.  No, I DO eat salad now...you must be thinking of me when I was 10.  Well, we haven't fully decided on a the vasectomy route yet but...why are we discussing this?"  (And YES...these have been exhaggerated to make a point...MY MOM IS A SAINT and happens to read this blog)

As I was saying...a relationship between a mother and daughter is a special complicated thing. In the same minute a mother makes you feel like you are incapable of doing anything right she makes you feel like you can conquer the world. It’s a delicate balance of idolization and complete annoyance. However, the fact remains my mother is my mirror and I hope I grow up to be like her. My kids would be lucky if I’m half the woman she is. And for that…I feel grateful. I also feel grateful my mom is there to try to teach me (among other things) how to fold that damn fitted sheet. 


But unfortunately not everyone has a mother that they can hold onto or be guided by. But I know from stories of the kids at the Youth Homes…everyone craves it. I’ve learned Hannah has had a rough road with placements. She is at the group home today because her last placement didn’t work out. And even though this placement didn’t work out…Hannah still has emotions about the last “mom” in her life.

Jessica, her primary staff at the Susan Talbot Girls Home writes:

Hannah has been continuing her transition into Talbot over the past week. The last of her belongings were dropped off, and she had a teary encounter with her last foster mother. Although this was an unhealthy placement, it’s the last “family” Hannah had in a string of many failed placements.


On a positive note, Hannah seems to be starting to accept that there is a family out there that will be a better fit for her. The hope is that she will find the strength to start working on her treatment in order to start towards this possibility. Unfortunately, Hannah has proven to be very distracted from her treatment. School is her social center and the boy talk has begun. Oh how easy it is to get distracted from our bigger goals.


As far as Hannah’s cardios go, she has become consistent on earning them on our elliptical machine. She still dreads having to do them, and usually needs a lot of encouragement to start. We mentioned running outside with her once the weather gets warmer, and she agreed to this plan. After seeing her on the treadmill, a change in “training/workouts” might be the key! With a positive attitude maybe she’ll be willing to try many options, and with more and more encouragement be able to stick to it in order be ready to run a full mile by this summer.


One step at a time…

Trusting the program

25 freakin’ minutes in a row!  I was so excited I scared my daughter with my impromptu burst into song and reenactment of Molly Ringwald’s infamous dance moves of the 80s. No…I’m not kidding…she was spooked. Thank God for no other eye witnesses.


All morning and even a bit of last night I was worried about today’s assignment. Yesterday, when I read the next running time I would need to attempt I thought I must have skipped a step somewhere. Seriously…running with NO walking…ya kiddin me? I mean no breaks whatsoever when it was just this last year that I started to identify with the “gotta go, gotta go” overactive bladder commercials. The instructions even capitalized the word NO as if I was being scolded preemptively for just thinking about taking a break in the middle. So, needless to say, I worried. I wondered. AND I pondered a way to get around it. But then I told myself to trust the program. Trust my body. Yes, MY body. The one I have had no confidence in up until this morning when I did it. And I love my husband, my kids, my friends, my ditto sheet print out of week by week instructions on how to learn to run a 5K but… I DID IT. Until now…I was kinda wondering when I would actually have to show up.

The only bad news…I have to do it again.

I AM RUNNER

walked 5 minutes
ran 20!
walked 5 minutes

Working my way to 30 minutes in a few more weeks...loving Couch to 5K.
I am runner...I am runner...I am runner...  (for you Erin!)

Being UNoriginal can be just fine

I’m embarrassed to admit I searched for my blog on Google tonight. No matter what I typed in, the results came back with that woman who takes pictures of kids dressed as grown ups giving each other roses and such. You know the photographer…right? She is everywhere. Can’t get away from her. My art website is lost in a sea of Kim Anderson’s cutesy kid calendars and greeting cards. It’s almost as bad as being mistaken for the Kim Anderson of Missoula that puts on the Festival of the Book. I’m sure some of you know her…I’ve never met her but I hear she is wonderful.  Sometimes people I know give me credit for her good work. I wonder if she gets any credit for mine? Are you the Kim Anderson that wipes the bottom of a baby every two to three hours? Tell me about your latest pursuit in keeping the bathroom floor clean…fascinating. Now, please don’t get me wrong here. I feel gratitude every day for being lucky enough to get to stay home and actually be with my third child. I missed this time with my first two and while I loved my work as Development Director of the Youth Homes…I can’t get that time back. I’m soaking it up with my third and I’m more available with my first two. So life is pretty great. But let’s be honest. Transitions are the stuff of movies specially made for the Lifetime channel…hard to sit through. So I want to be completely forthcoming…this blog is a selfish pursuit. Its helping me face some insecurities in my head (“wow…you really can’t run a mile?” or “no really Kim…you aren’t that funny” or “Ooohhh, you do have some time on your hands now that you are at home”). But I choose to blow these wimpy thoughts wide open to the five of you that actually are reading this ( “Hey Mom!  What's up Dad?") I’m hoping my determination to be a bit courageous with this will hopefully serve the purpose of both giving me my needed motivation to keep moving and letting you all in on what the Youth Homes does for kids. That being said… a good friend reminded me…this blog is largely for me and thus I should not worry if it is doing what I want it to do for you…my (ahem) audience. This theme of transitions will inevitably creep back into this blog from time to time…it’s a big one. Just ask Hannah (see previous post if you need to catch up).

By the way…when I was in need of affirmation that this blog exists in the bigger world…I found MANY references to "Reluctant Runners" out there…including a woman in Canada who is doing a FULL marathon for a charity. Let’s just put that one to bed now…no FULL marathons in my foreseen future largely in part because I feel the blog duties would be too daunting…HA! Besides I can’t bear the thought of being that unoriginal even if I do like the company.

P.S. Let me know you’re out there...become a follower (see bottom of left side bar - shout out to Numero Uno... Kevin!)  If you do this…I promise to stay quiet for a few days…shameless bribe technique I perfected in motherhood.

All in Good Time

Walked 5 minutes,
ran 8,
walked 5 minutes,
ran 10,

walked two minutes… danced an “I survived” victory boogie.

I have been thinking a lot lately about why I haven’t exercised much my whole life. I’m not particularly that uncoordinated (unless attempting the infamous grapevine manuver of circa 1990’s aerobics class…should be outlawed). I don’t hate sports…I even love being a spectator. I DO want to look like my yoga instructor, even though that might not be in the cards, I'd settle for a fitter and more healthier version of myself. All of this didn't change the fact I would have rathered count the number of rocks on the planet than run a mile.  So, I'm now wondering WHY that was the case.  Why the avoidance? 

Oh, I know…it’s the laundry. Most definitely the piles and piles of laundry that keep coming at me like some sick tsunami taking pleasure in pounding me into the surf. But I haven’t always had to do laundry for two adults, two kids and a bouncing baby boy who live with three different colors of dog hair.  What gives?

Maybe it’s the artist image thing. Did I have romantic notions of suffering for my craft…way too cool to care about such vain attempts to care for my vessel?...that’s just ridiculous.  Doesn't really sound like me either. The fact is everyone knows at some point exercise is the ultimate act of taking care of yourself.  The means to obtain a healthier body, yes, but also mind and spirit. So, again, I ask myself why the reluctance?

Oh yeah...I forgot...I AM LAZY. Yes. I do enjoy a good couch session taking in the latest arrival of Netflix and snacks o’ plenty. Quite frankly, it’s why I fell in love with my husband with such ease. You see, although he is one of the athletic types (never met a piece of sporting equipment he doesn’t know what to do with) he is at his absolute best enjoying a lazy afternoon with me.  We just fit from day one...bonding over epic trilogies while researching the surprisingly elusive best ever chocolate chip cookie recipe. But more than the absolute devotion to all things spa-like and/or sugar glazed, I honestly think I thought I didn’t need to exercise. Or even to be more to the point… exercising seemed to be something other people needed to feel good about themselves. I, however, thought I could find that through other things. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe you can find activities that enrich your mind and spirit and even body that aren’t considered exercise. Things like…listening to my kid tell a joke...painting…finding new music…reading…and even enjoying the perfect chocolate mousse at Pearl Cafe. But, I guess I’m starting to discover just how powerful it is to invest in myself this specifically and for a purpose of discovery as well as health…very cool. And for me…I’d say it’s about time (even if I move at a snails pace).

 

So I’m excited to share something new to the blog this week. Shawn Gray and Jessica (a youth care worker) from The Susan Talbot Home for Girls have agreed to send me updates on one particular kid in care…we have changed her name to Hannah to protect her identity. Hannah’s journey in the therapeutic group home will give me the inspiration to keep going on mine. In this week’s edition, I found it interesting that staff say Hannah will need to learn to actually “walk the talk.” She knows what’s healthy but now she is faced with actually having to do it. Yup…sounds familiar.


Here’s what Jessica wrote:

Hannah came to the Talbot Home for Girls from a foster home that just wasn’t working for her. Even though Hannah has struggled for most of her life, coming in and out of different placements, she seems to have been able to keep a positive outlook on life. On the other hand, her multiple placements have resulted in Hannah being able to talk the walk instead of the reverse. It makes you wonder how much she’s been able to learn and understand about herself versus how many people have talked at her. So far, Hannah throws out terms like ‘emotionally absent’ to refer to her last foster mother. She seems to understand the language of treatment, but doesn’t seem to grasp how it’s made its way into her vocabulary.


Hannah may not know this yet, but she is about to start what may be one of the hardest experiences of her life. She will be asked to learn to trust a new therapist, staff members, and residents. This may be one of the most complicated things to expect from Hannah, after her parents and other caregivers did not take care of her. Some even went as far as choosing abuse or neglect. Hannah will also be asked to revisit all of these difficult experiences from her past, and eventually will be asked to share her personal history with everyone involved with her here at Talbot. The hope is that Hannah will find patience, determination, and trust that we are here to help her.

By the way…the staff at Talbot Home for Girls liked the idea of this blog and telling of Hannah’s story so much that Jessica is now starting to run with Hannah. Wow. See below:

At the Talbot Home for Girls, we require the girls to do at least three cardiovascular activities each week. Hannah went into her first cardio thinking the treadmill would be cake. To her surprise, we actually check each girl’s heart rate and expect them to run for twenty five minutes. Hannah was given the suggestion to try and keep up with an older resident who was running next to her. You could see Hannah quickly fatigue when she started holding herself up off the treadmill with her arms. Minutes later, she had closed her eyes and went flying off the back end…


As with learning any new skill, you must have patience and accept guidance from others. Hannah is slowing coming to this understanding, but the road ahead will be challenging. She has realized that the treadmill may not be the best first step, and has decided to go with the elliptical in order to ease her way not only into cardio, but also into treatment.

It will be exciting to see how this goes…stay tuned!