Milestones

Today is Hannah’s birthday. I thought of her as soon as I woke up.  Then I started to get ready for my five mile run. From now on each Sunday will be a new distance that I have never done before. Every Sunday I will wake up, put on my running clothes, kiss my kids, get a hug from my husband, grab my IPOD and pray I did a good morning routine so that the new “longest distance I’ve ever ran before” goes as smoothly as possible. For some reason, today I was nervous. Don’t really know why but I had a nervous stomach and those surges of energy that come out of nowhere reminding you that something big is coming. So today was five miles and Hannah’s birthday and all I could do was give it my best.

As I entered the room where the training group meets, the speaker of the day was already talking. She was a physical therapist and she was showing us appropriate exercises and stretches to keep “endurance” athletes healthy. It was informative and good information but I just keep thinking about the five miles ahead. When it was time to start I thought of Hannah again. “Happy Birthday kid…this is for you.” Fourteen years old. Fourteen years young. What was I doing at fourteen? Life wasn’t perfect for me at that age. It’s a ridiculous age. It’s hard. You worry about boys, zits and geometry. But it’s also a coming of age…you start to really define who you are. What you believe in…what you want to be…who you want to be like.

At mile one and a half I was thinking…I can do this. I know the hill is coming but I’ve done it before…just one foot and then the other. A perfect slow but steady song came on the IPOD…people were passing me…but I was steady. Climbing…

Hannah must have been at a lot of different schools. I don’t know much about the details of her life but I know she’s been in a lot of different placements…group homes, foster parents, others? I wonder how she does adjusting to new schools, teachers and friends. When I was her age I temporarily moved back to Pittsburgh with my mother. I tried the new high school for a week but then I could hack it…I missed my friends and my life in Montana. I moved back with my Dad. One new school and I couldn’t do it. But then again, I had a choice...a hard one but I could make it. I know Hannah doesn’t really have that choice right now.

I made it up the hill…I saw some others that had passed me were walking now. I slowly moved passed them and headed up Duncan Drive. I followed the herd expanding far ahead of me...must be a mile ahead before we turn. I remember thinking…gawd that looks like forever…maybe the five milers turn somewhere sooner.

I wonder where Hannah’s mother is today. She must be thinking of Hannah. I don’t know if they are in touch…if they still talk. If Hannah even knows her. I wonder if I’ll find that out. Anyway, I start to think about her. She could be about my age. She carried her for nine months. She loved her and she loves her still. I don’t need to know the details to know that. Geoff Birnbaum, the Executive Director of Youth Homes (my old boss) used to say to me, “people don’t wake up in the morning and say to themselves…how can I hurt my kid today.” It’s a more complicated problem than that. It’s easy to place blame if you don’t take a closer look.  When you really stop to think about anyone else's troubles it’s easier to understand their situation the more you learn about it. Bottomline…humans are a complicated mess with outstanding potential…everyone of us.

I managed to make it to the turn…and then found the aid station. I took a quick drink of water and I was off through the woods at the edge of the park. Running through the park was the best part. No one passed me…it was as if I was alone on the dirt trail with the trees surrounding me and glimpses of the creek. I smelled Montana air. There were no distractions. No reminders that I had a long way to go. My legs were heavy but I was halfway now and breathing fine.

Hannah probably isn’t even awake yet. It’s only a little past 9am but wait...she did say she was an early riser and she was so excited for her birthday…counting down the days. What is it like to have a birthday at a new place with new staff…new kids…strangers really...celebrating your birthday with you? Hannah is unfortunately probably used to it. I know she has family in Montana and I know she will probably get a visit or call from her last foster family but I wondered what it would be like for her. Would she be disappointed? Or would she be thrilled to have gifts and a cake and people singing to her? I hope she likes the gift I got her. It’s nothing big but I wanted her to know I was thinking of her today. What’s it like getting gifts from a stranger? I only met her the one time.

On my way to mile four I pass my friends (AKA - the saints – if you don’t get this reference it’s from a previous post) house. Of course they were waiting for me to pass and stepped out on their porch to cheer me on. I look at their house dreamily. They are in their pjs and probably just getting finished with a fresh batch of homemade pancakes with real maple syrup. Ahhh….maybe I could just….just keep going. And I smile and wave and move down the street.

I wonder what will happen to Hannah next. She’s only fourteen….today. That’s four more years until graduation. And then past that will she have support? I know I leaned on my parents for years after my eighteenth birthday. I still rely on them. Who will Hannah have? She must have someone…right? Right now, she has the Youth Homes. She has a place to call home today. A place where they are probably right now waking her up to a good breakfast and planning out her big day. She’ll be sung to and she will get some gifts. She’ll get a special dinner and be tucked in tonight. Someone will give her a hug today. Someone will say, “Happy Birthday Hannah.”

I just have under a mile to go. I just got passed by another runner. She looks great…strong. She inspires me to go a little bit faster…to feel my legs and make each stride count. I think back to when I ran with Hannah and she sped up at the finish. She hurdled over a fence with excitement. I can see the finish now. I can feel good that I did something hard that I’ve never done before…again. And I did it for Hannah…on her birthday.

I hope she will get a call or a card or something from her mother. I hope she will have a moment to feel loved and wanted in this world. I hope she will feel the warmth of this place…this community…I hope she will know someone cares…she might even think to herself, “someone is out there this morning running when it’s hard for them because I’m important and I’m valued and I’m cared for.” But if that’s too much to expect…as I suspect it is...then I just hope with all my heart that she has had a very special birthday feeling supported by those around her…and that she gets that crazy “New Moon” movie on DVD she’s been wanting.